The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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