This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
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does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
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Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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