I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
