I wish I only lived at night.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
