When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
