Moan for me like Helen Keller
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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