really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You need Xanax blowdarts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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