it wasn't lemon gatorade
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Randomize
