I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Randomize
