wake up i wanna do it froggy style
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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