My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
