I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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