if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
