You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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