Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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