I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
