there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
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Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
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What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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