He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
