if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
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