Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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