Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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