yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
