he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
