I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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