If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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