Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
