using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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