today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
