Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
