Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i came on her dog
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
