goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
