it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
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I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
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She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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