remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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