Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
