I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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