Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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