Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
