is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.