that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
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I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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