all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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