Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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