Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
