I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
did you just send me my own nude
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
