I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
There are leaves in my underwear?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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