Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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