If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
