On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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