the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
COCAINE IS GR8
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
