cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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