just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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