So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
