I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
