Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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