Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
