What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize